Hey, are you listening? If you can just stop for a sec and let me finish.
The smartest people in the world have a few things in common. But, I believe that the fundamental commonality must be their ability to listen more often than speak.
Listening is more draining than talking, which may sound strange. But there is a difference between “listening” and “active listening”. The former is the one I am talking about and this is what we shall explore further.
Active Listening
Hey, did you hear what I just said? Oh really, tell me what I just said.
Active listening means that you are engaged. You are actively trying to visualize what you are hearing. You are empathizing with the speaker. Sure, you have a solution that is obvious to you as you are enduring this word bombardment. All you have to do is interrupt the speaker and shout out this obvious solution. But wait. You have tried this in the past and you have learnt that it only makes the speaker talk more.
Active listening is very hard. You must first bury your ego and set aside your priorities. If you care enough about the speaker then it is only fair to shut up and listen actively. And if the speaker has no bearing on your life, or if you have better things to do, then just walk away.
Active listening is not waiting to talk. After the speaker has finished, you allow a couple of second’s silence before you talk. As a matter of fact, this is an efficient way to “batch” the interaction. Give it your full attention and come to a resolution, rather than chip away at it over a longer time.
How to be a better listener: mini-game
Like any skill, active listening is something that can be learnt with practice. I want to share a mental game that has worked for me:
- Engage the speaker: so tell me about…
- Try to imagine and visualize the situation. Put yourself in the POV of the speaker
- Do not speak except to punctuate the speaker’s pauses with “aha” and “hmm”
- When the speaker has finished, allow a few seconds of silence and then summarize the story you just heard
What happens next is dependent on the situation. If it is a family setting, perhaps a hug is in order before you provide your solution. If it is a work setting, perhaps an anecdote is required before presenting the solution. Or, if it is a serious work setting, you need to cut to the chase and provide your solution right away.
No matter what the situation, I strongly believe that this single skill is the most important one to master.