When you are in a bad mood, because of something that you did, something that someone said/did, etc., you are losing twice – once for being in a bad mood, twice for not fulfilling your potential. Don’t be sad, angry, upset, or cranky at yourself or others, but instead focus on fixing your system so that this does not happen in future. If this bad mood comes from someone, don’t be around this person. If you are the cause, change your habits. Think in terms of systems that can be implemented to steer away from these bad mood causing events. This is easier to do than you think. The good news is, this system needs to be created once.
Help calm yourself down by using deep breathing techniques. Think of gentle cool breeze brushing our face while you lay on a warm beach sipping cool drinks from fancy glasses with tiny umbrellas.
As a precursor to the Pace and Lead technique taught to sales professional, I would like to share my personal experience on this subject. The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book.
“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” You have something worth sharing, worth being listened to, and worth acting upon. The listener will most certainly benefit from what you have to say. That is the simple objective of learning the technique.
Before you can Lead, you need to Pace, and before you can Pace, you need to know about your listener. The assessment of the listener’s personality allows you to effectively frame your arguments so that your valuable message is well received. I learnt this early on in my sales career and applied it with great success. It was my first sales training course, and the instructor was a charismatic guy. I knew my own personality type as being “introverted,” and could classify people as either like me or unlike me – the “extroverts.” This was the typical two-class model my grandma even knew of. However, this was not what the extroverted instructor was preaching.
I was introduced to the social behavior classification model, also called personality types, based on the Merrill-Reid styles[1]. There are several other social behavior classifications with the similar idea, and after my sales training, I explored other classifications, however, I found the Merrill-Reid styles intuitive and practical, therefore, that’s the classification I will discuss. The charismatic sales training instructor began by explaining the four categories – Driver, Expressive, Amiable, and Analytical. Without going any further, he asked us to fill a self-assessment questionnaire first, and I encourage you to do the same. After you have done the self-assessment, continue reading.
Merrill-Reid Personality Self Assessment
In each 4-word block below, rate the words from most like you to least like you by assigning points as follows:
4 points to the word that is most like you
3 points to the work that is like you
2 points to the word that is somewhat like you
1 point to the word that is least like you
a) ____ daring b) ____ passionate c) ____ careful d) ____ agreeable
a) ____ competitive b) ____ social c) ____ accurate d) ____ calm-mannered
a) ____ vocal b) ____ appealing c) ____ sensible d) ____ warm-hearted
a) ____ dynamic b) ____ lively c) ____ demanding d) ____ good-natured
a) ____ straightforward b) ____ charming c) ____ controlled emotions f) ____ good-hearted
a) ____ commanding b) ____ gracious c) ____ reserved d) ____ laid-back
a) ____ resourceful b) ____ conversational c) ____ disciplined d) ____ considerate
a) ____ firm b) ____ attractive c) ____ diplomatic d) ____ understanding
a) ____ adventurous b) ____ friendly c) ____ mindful d ____ pleasant
a) ____ unsettled b) ____ demonstrative c) ____ politically correct d) ____ kind
Totals a) ____ b) ____ c) ____ d) ____
(Answer key at the end of the post)
Important Caveats
As you read the next section, you may self-identify as one or more of the personalities. The reality is that this is a spectrum, and people are found somewhere in between. People also behave in a certain manner based on their job title. The job examples I use for the different personalities are illustrative, as there are all kinds of personalities doing all kinds of jobs.
It is common to find partners with opposite personality types. You can ask your partner to fill the questionnaire and find out. Furthermore, if you are single and ready to mingle, then look for your opposite personality type to maximize the success of your relationship.
Analytical
Analytical people are the engineers and accountants of our world; the nerds – I can say that as I am one of them. The Analytical person decorates his offices with charts and figures, likely wear eyeglasses, and doesn’t dress well. When spoken to, he seems cold, emotionless, and reclusive. He is polite and speaks little. He thinks systematically, is detail oriented, and makes decisions based on facts. He focuses on task completion and is persistent in this pursuit. His weakness is being quiet, emotionally disconnected, and, frankly speaking, boring. Decision making takes time as they quietly analyze all available data. Not being a risk-taker, they value accuracy and avoid criticism.
Identifying the Analytical: they will speak slowly, speak little, and not express emotions.
When communicating with an Analytical, keep emotions out of the discussion and focus on solving the problem and get to the point systematically. Talk slowly, provide logical arguments based on facts, and be ready to answer the “how” questions. Don’t rush to the conclusion and allow time for evaluation of each step.
Driver
The Driver is your typical management type; the CEOs and managers of our world – people you tent to avoid as they seem controlling. The Driver demands a corner office, dresses sharp, takes power seats, and decorates his workspace with trophies and posters of expensive things. When spoken to, he seems impatient and loud. He is objective focused and believes that the ends justify the means. He talks fast, multi-tasks, takes risks, and demands action. He is direct, gets the job done, and very persuasive. Weaknesses include being stubborn, impatient, insensitive, and easily agitated. The Driver enjoys power and does not shy away from using it.
Identifying the Driver: they will speak fast, speak little, and not express emotions.
When communicating with a Driver, don’t waste time and get straight to the point. Be prepared to answer the “what” question – what’s being done, what’s the plan, etc. Don’t talk about emotions and feelings. Keep the encounter brief, concise, and organized. End with options and summarize the key takeaways.
Expressive
The Expressive is your typical storyteller; the politicians and salespeople of our world – likable, talkative, and animated. The expressive person’s work areas are messy and scattered, however, she know exactly where everything is. She like to dress colorful and flashy. When spoken to, She seem talkative and, as the name implies, quite expressive. She is fantastic with words, uses hand gestures and facial expressions, and enjoys making friends and connecting people. Her understanding of emotions and people’s motives helps her be diplomatic when confronted. She seeks adventure and loves being a member of any, and every, society. Her weaknesses involve being unorganized, impatient, reactive, emotional, and has a fear of missing out (FOMO). She is quite competitive, tends to exaggerate things, dreams big – but does not follow through, and can be seen by others as egotistical. She readily exchanges life experiences and personal information with others, for better or worse.
Identifying the Expressive: they will speak fast, speak a lot, and express lots of emotions.
When communicating with an Expressive, focus on the emotions and building rapport. Express your solution with example stories and demonstrate how it will make them look good. Be animated, talk fast, and keep things casual. Be prepared to answer many “who” questions – who said what, who is current, who’s fault, etc. Don’t present too much technical details and keep the conversation entertaining.
Amiable
Amiable folks are team players; the typical “nice guy” across the cubicle. The Amiable gets along with anyone and everyone, and is a solid team player. Her office is decorated with pictures of family, friends, and landscapes, and she love talking about them. She is pleasant to look at and dress the same. Her dependability, devotion, consistency, and ability to be a good listener, makes her a great long-term friend. As a worker, she is hard-working, trustful, loyal, avoids confrontation, and has a stabilizing effect on the team. On the flip side, she is slow to take decisive action, too compliant, won’t argue even if she is right, and dislike change.
Identifying the Amiable: they will speak slow, speak a lot, and express lots of emotions.
When communicating with an Amiable, speak slowly but systematically, don’t introduce abrupt change, be agreeable and relaxed, and use the “we” word often. Be ready to answer many “why” questions. Be willing to get side-tracked during the conversation. Most importantly, be a good listener.
Conclusion
The charismatic instructor ended the lesson by reminding us that the goal of learning this skill is to be able to deliver your message effectively – it is not about manipulation. “If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, did it make a sound?”
Summary of the Merrill-Reid Personality Types
Answer key to the Merrill-Reid personality self assessment
a) Driver b) Expressive c) Analytical d) Amiable
[1] Study based on the research of Merrill & Roger, “Personal Styles and Effective Performance – 1981” & Bolton&Bolton’s “Social Style and Management – 1984”
I wanted to talk about these 4 personality types more…but I found that someone had done a good job with this already. No reason to re-write it here, so here is the link.
It is important to know the personality of the person you are talking to. That way you can handle the conversation better. It is like dancing – know your partner’s dancing style and you can adjust accordingly.
Most parents focus on teaching their kids problem solving. This is typically done with puzzles to solve.
However, equally important are leadership skills. Giving the kids a sense of ownership towards a task as making them accountable to the completion of tasks and others help develop this skill.
All sensors have a “Lag” factor. This is the amount of time (or some other variable) needed to catch up with the response.
Don’t worry, this is the extent of science I want to discuss here. I am interested in applying this knowledge to practical life. And this is perhaps how the “Lag” factor works:
When you learn a new skill or are acquiring new knowledge, there is a time delay before you start seeing the results. This “Lag” tells you how your mind and body behaves. Understanding your Lag will allow you to improve it.
Drift: good sensors do not drift and maintain a baseline. This is analogous to brain maintaining focus.
Signal-to-Noise Sensitivity: ability to detect a signal in the background of noise. Analogous to the brain being able to pick out a sensory signal such as someone calling your name in a crowd.
Resolution: the ability of a good sensor to differentiate between two close lying signals, like a brain being able to distinguish between two similar things.
The concepts of Sensitivity and Resolution are contrary: you can’t have both of them. The idea is to know what it is you want and find a balance between the two.
Zero is also a number. The lack of something is also a “thing”. Saying nothing can be “saying something”.
Strategic silence during conversation is a powerful way to:
get your point across
underline something you said earlier
express dissatisfaction or express disapproval
show dominance
How to Practice Silence
The best way to practice silence is to talk to yourself in your head. Almost like talking to a “second you”. And forcing this “second you” to simply listen. This works because people like others to hear them out. This is the main reason we have arguments. Because both parties want the other to just listen.
So, when in an argument that you don’t want to be part of, simply start arguing to this “second you” in your head. This will also tune you out of the words being bombarded towards you by the other party.
Finally, after you have vented to the “second you” in your head, and the other person is still talking, you can start playing your favourite tune in your head. I like the Godfather Theme, or one of many classical themes by Beethoven, but you can take your pick.
With practice you get better at this game and you realize that you are not involved in as many arguments as you used to be.
Hey, are you
listening? If you can just stop for a sec and let me finish.
The smartest people in the world have a few things in
common. But, I believe that the fundamental commonality must be their ability
to listen more often than speak.
Listening is more draining than talking, which may sound
strange. But there is a difference between “listening” and “active listening”.
The former is the one I am talking about and this is what we shall explore
further.
Active Listening
Hey, did you hear what
I just said? Oh really, tell me what I just said.
Active listening means that you are engaged. You are
actively trying to visualize what you are hearing. You are empathizing with the
speaker. Sure, you have a solution that is obvious to you as you are enduring
this word bombardment. All you have to do is interrupt the speaker and shout
out this obvious solution. But wait. You have tried this in the past and you
have learnt that it only makes the speaker talk more.
Active listening is very hard. You must first bury your ego
and set aside your priorities. If you care enough about the speaker then it is
only fair to shut up and listen actively. And if the speaker has no bearing on
your life, or if you have better things to do, then just walk away.
Active listening is not waiting
to talk. After the speaker has finished, you allow a couple of second’s
silence before you talk. As a matter of fact, this is an efficient way to
“batch” the interaction. Give it your full attention and come to a resolution,
rather than chip away at it over a longer time.
How to be a better listener: mini-game
Like any skill, active listening is something that can be
learnt with practice. I want to share a mental game that has worked for me:
Engage the speaker: so tell me about…
Try to imagine and visualize the situation. Put
yourself in the POV of the speaker
Do not speak except to punctuate the speaker’s
pauses with “aha” and “hmm”
When the speaker has finished, allow a few
seconds of silence and then summarize the story you just heard
What happens next is dependent on the situation. If it is a
family setting, perhaps a hug is in order before you provide your solution. If
it is a work setting, perhaps an anecdote is required before presenting the
solution. Or, if it is a serious work setting, you need to cut to the chase and
provide your solution right away.
No matter what the situation, I strongly believe that this
single skill is the most important one to master.
